Empty-Nest: Understanding and Envisioning Designs for the Postparental Period through the r/emptynesters Subreddit
Senior Thesis 2024, Advised by Chen Ying-Yu
Supporting empty-nesters via social media
When children leave home, empty-nesters often face significant life changes that can bring feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and a sense of purposelessness. While research has explored the challenges of this transition, less is known about how empty-nesters use social media to navigate this phase of life.
To address this, I analyzed discussions from the r/emptynesters subreddit on Reddit, uncovering two main ways users engage: sharing personal stories and seeking advice. These posts prompt responses that provide various forms of social support, including emotional, informational, and esteem-based help, as well as opportunities for connection and storytelling. Based on these findings, I offer design recommendations and discuss the broader implications for supporting empty-nesters through technology.
Addressing the gap
The empty-nest stage marks a significant life transition, often associated with emotional distress, loneliness, and identity shifts as parents adapt to life without children at home [8, 9]. While much research focuses on the medical aspects of Empty-Nest Syndrome (ENS) [12, 14], such as grief or depression, less attention is given to how empty-nesters navigate this period in their daily lives, especially through digital platforms.
Anonymous platforms like Reddit provide a unique space for empty-nesters to share their experiences and seek support without fear of judgment from family or friends [1]. This study explores the discussions and support dynamics within the subreddit r/emptynesters, seeking to address the following questions:
R1. What do empty-nesters discuss on subreddit?
R2. How do empty-nesters support each other on subreddit?
R3. How might we design to support empty-nesters to envision alternative ways of aging and empower them?
Framing the research landscape
This project draws from two key areas: the empty-nest experience and the role of digital platforms in navigating life transitions.
The Empty-Nest Experience
The empty-nest, or postparental period, marks a significant transition when the last child leaves home [14]. Often centered around the concept of Empty-Nest Syndrome (ENS), an array of symptoms such as emotional distress, loss of purpose, loneliness, anxiety, past research typically assumes a given set of symptoms, and uses this surmise to define the tensions or lack thereof in midlife men and women’s experiences [12, 14, 18]. However, recent research suggests that rather than being defined by a set of symptoms, the empty-nest phase should be understood as a transitional process involving adjustment and redefining relationships [9]. Cultural and social factors, such as gendered experiences [5, 11, 17] and age-related challenges [11], further shape how individuals experience this transition. Therefore, I chose to adopt a Feminist HCI approach, emphasizing a personalized understanding of the empty-nest period through phenomenological methods.
Navigating Transitions through Digital Platforms: Reddit
Digital platforms, particularly Reddit, have become crucial for navigating challenging life transitions like divorce [23], loss [24], and unemployment [8, 25]. These platforms provide a space for users to connect anonymously, share experiences, and receive social support [22]. Reddit’s design allows for greater control over anonymity compared to platforms like Facebook, making it an ideal environment for sensitive discussions [7, 8]. Research in CSCW and HCI highlights how social support on Reddit fosters community, helping users feel connected and less isolated during difficult times [8, 26].
Diving into r/emptynesters
Reddit is a popular online platform where users share content across over 100,000 active communities (subreddits). The r/emptynesters subreddit, with 2.4K subscribers as of June 2024, ranks in the top 14% of Reddit communities. This space serves as a hub for empty-nesters to share experiences and discuss the challenges they face.
To focus on content most engaging to users, the data corpus was based on the top posts, sorted by upvotes. Using RedditHarbor and the Reddit API, the top 100 text posts from r/emptynesters were scraped on May 30, 2024, along with their comment threads. Posts not made by empty-nesters were excluded, resulting in 96 posts and 1,304 comments for analysis.
The analysis aimed to identify key themes in the discussions from posts and comments. I used thematic analysis, beginning with open coding, followed by axial and selective coding to refine the codebook. Initially, the Social Support Behavioral Code was incorporated to identify support forms but was later adapted to fit the discussions, covering four out of five support categories.
Through axial coding, I categorized the discussions into major themes, such as conflicting feelings, responses to social expectations, and self-reflection. Selective coding refined these themes into key findings, organized by the research questions. The analysis revealed types of posts, including melancholic narratives, inquiries for support, feel-good stories, validation-seeking posts, and messages offering advice or encouragement to fellow empty-nesters.
Social and Emotional Complexities in Melancholic Narratives
Melancholic narratives focus on the emotional complexities of the empty-nest experience, particularly the unexpected grief and loss parents feel. While many users are prepared for the practical aspect of children leaving, they are often unprepared for the emotional toll. As one user notes,
"Was I ready for him to hit the road? Absolutely! It’s the natural order of life. Was I ready for these feelings to hit? Nope, not at all."
This grief is compounded by societal norms that overlook the emotional side of parenting. The transition involves not just missing children, but changes in routines and relationships, as expressed by one parent:
"I didn't realize that the worst part about being an empty nester wasn't missing your kids, but rather the transition your life takes."
While these narratives, on the whole, depict emotions with negative valence such as grief, pessimism, and emptiness, they are frequently streaked with users’ feelings of pride for their adult-children, their independence, and their achievements. These contradictory feelings coexist within users, adding to their confusion and making it harder for them to process the grief felt during this process:
"I couldn't be more proud of him…I'm just so very, very sad. It's like I'm grieving a loss and it's a loss I don't know how to handle."
In response, commenters often show agreement and empathy, sharing similar experiences or offering support. Some also offer advice, suggesting activities like volunteering or engaging in hobbies to help cope. Discussions often loop back to parenting, with users reflecting on the balance between staying connected with adult children and letting them lead their own lives:
"After we grieve, it's up to us to teach our children how to let go of their own children when it's their turn."
Digital Hugs and Other Responses to Inquiry Submissions
Inquiry posts, like melancholic narratives, express grief, but they specifically seek advice or support from others. One user asks,
"Will it [the sadness] just take time? Do I need to find a new hobby? Will it be this terrible for the next 4 years?"
Responses mirror the emotional structure of melancholic narratives, where users share their own experiences and coping mechanisms, such as starting a new hobby or staying busy with work. When no direct advice is available, many commenters offer emotional support, like sending "digital hugs," indicating the desire for comfort in digital spaces.
Some users continue the conversation by seeking distraction, asking for movie or podcast recommendations to help with the grief.
“No advice, just sending you hugs. <3”
Overcoming Grief and Achieving Intimacy in Feel-good Narratives
Feel-good narratives share a similar emotional foundation as melancholic ones but focus on the resolution of grief. These posts reflect on overcoming the sadness and embracing the positive aspects of the empty-nest period. One user writes,
"I went through a period of mourning and grief for a year or two when my youngest left for college…Now though, I am finally over the sadness, raw grief and enjoying the quiet, freedom, relaxation, peace, and lightheartedness of our empty nest."
Here, as there is no friction caused by the conflict between feelings of pride for the children and the grief of their absence, the users can fully attach their adult-childrens’ accomplishments to emotions of a positive valence, such as joy and pride
Parents also reflect on the intimacy they’ve regained with themselves and their partners, such as enjoying bare moments together:
"We have been empty nesters for nearly 2 years and have learned to enjoy it. I am looking forward to it [child coming home] as I missed having my kids close, but we will be back to quiet sex and wearing clothing at home."
"I also take stock in the fact that he’s thriving... I’m a proud mama!"
A new look at support in digital spaces
Support in discussions can take various forms, including appreciation and small talk. Through analysis, five categories of social support were identified, four based on the Social Support Behavioral Code: esteem, emotional, informational, and network support. However, no instances of instrumental support were found, leading to the emergence of a new category: narrative support. I explore these five categories in detail:
Esteem Support
Esteem support involves affirming someone's skills or viewpoint through praise, validation, or reassurance. For example, offering compliments boosts self-esteem: “You’ve done your job well!” It also includes validating someone’s perspective: “Yup, I understand this one. Single mom too……You did good!” or helping them feel less guilty: “Grief is real, and that’s what this is. We can be so very proud, and heartbroken at the same time.” This type of support is common in melancholic narratives where users feel guilty for their grief despite their children's independence.
Defined by the provision of care, empathy, love, and trust, along with a consistent offering of encouragement and reassurance, emotional support, emotional support offers affirmation to the melancholic empty-nesters who are at the moment experience some form of negative valenced emotion, assuring them that: “It will get better (and worse but not this bad, but then better again!) I promise. I remember the night I commented on this. How emotionally raw I felt.”
Emotional Support
Informational support provides knowledge and suggestions to help others navigate their emotions and next steps. For example, one user suggests: “Engage further in work? Fitness goals? Volunteer? Start a creative venture? For sure, reach out to friends, family, colleagues, neighbours, community, etc. Covid taught us that isolation is not good for us.” It also offers perspectives on current experiences: “I had to constantly make an effort to keep my mind and body busy…I feel like it’s kind of a ‘fake it til you make it.’”
Informational Support
Network support is defined as reminders that one has a network of people with similar experiences. In a stage where their adult-children have just left the home, empty-nesters tend to feel alone in their journey, thus, subredditors who notice this trend take it upon themselves to show up for their community and to let them know that they are not alone in this journey by affirming that they are in the same position, expressing that they are there for the user if they wish to further discuss the situation or their feelings, and reassuring the user that they are not alone in this difficult transition: “Just know that this is normal and you are not alone.”
Network Support
Narrative support involves sharing personal stories to foster empathy and provide coping strategies. This type of support appears under two different timelines: one offers their narrative in hopes of supporting others, while the other shares their narrative after feeling supported by the community, which in turn ends up reinforcing the common sentiment that one is not alone in this journey, and offers numerous new perspectives and narratives which can be referenced and understood by fellow empty-nesters in the subreddit. For instance, a user shares their journey of overcoming grief: “I cried every day for 6 weeks. More than once a day usually! Finally, slowly, the empty nest feeling ebbed…And let me tell you, if you are a sad empty nester right now: you’ll get over it!! you’ll eventually relish it!!”
In other instances, users may share their individual narrative without the intention of supporting other users, but end up providing some form of perspective for fellow empty-nesters who found themselves in the poster’s narrative: “It’s tough. It’s a shame but I suppose it has to happen…I am in year 3 now and I still have days with tears.” Although this user did not show any explicit attempt to provide support to fellow-empty nesters, the next comment noted how seeing other empty-nesters’ stories helps them in their journey: “I’m happy to see some recent traffic on this sub. When my oldest left for college two years ago, it was pretty quiet. It does help listen to others with the same struggles.”
Narrative Support
The way to cope
Empty-nesters often face emotional struggles during this transition, where even hobbies and planned activities fail to bring joy, leaving them feeling a void of purpose: "I can indulge in a couple of hobbies that were dormant for so long. But nothing feels gratifying. Nothing fills the void."
Beyond emotional challenges, many experience loneliness and lack a support network, as online communities like Reddit, while helpful, cannot replace in-person connections: "When the kids leave, parents don't have a support network of friends to fall back on…Social media communities like Reddit, help with our loneliness but don't replace in-person interaction”
To cope, users suggest exploring new hobbies, volunteering, reconnecting with old friends, and strengthening local ties with family, colleagues, and neighbors, while others fill the "empty nest" by adopting pets, hosting students, or looking forward to grandchildren: "I'm desperately waiting for grandkids."
These discussions highlight the importance of fostering offline engagement and building stronger in-person communities to support empty-nesters through this phase.
Let’s discuss
Through this study, the following key findings are contributed to current ongoing research:
A characterization of the discussions that took place among the subreddit created for empty-nesters is imparted, with five types of posting behavior identified in the community.
It was revealed through an analysis of the forms of support elicited that the Social Support Behavioral Code could not adhere completely to the empty-nest community on Reddit, and a new category of social support was issued.
Following the above contribution, empirical evidence on the establishment of esteem, emotional, informational, network, and narrative support among empty-nesters on the subreddit is provided.
Below, these findings are explored in relation to existing literature and their implications for design.
Overlooked Emotional and Social Complexities
Empty-nesters on Reddit openly discuss sensitive emotions, such as grief, confusion, and shame, and seek advice, validation, and connection with others. Reddit’s anonymity features, such as pseudonyms and throwaway accounts, encourage self-disclosure, particularly for sensitive topics [7, 8, 10, 16] like parenting transitions [2, 6]. Prior research has highlighted grief and anxiety in the empty-nest phase [9, 12, 14, 18] but overlooks deeper emotional tensions, such as balancing pride in a child’s independence with sorrow over its consequences.
This study also reveals the unpreparedness many feel for the emotional impact of this transition, which intensifies their grief. Social challenges, such as changes in daily routines and diminished social circles, exacerbate these feelings, as does the shift in relationships with their adult children. While past literature focuses on maintaining contact through digital media [3, 13, 21], it seldom explores how these interactions can foster a sense of connection to support empty-nesters’ well-being.
Narrative Support: A New Form of Social Support
The Social Support Behavioral Code [8] identifies five categories, but no examples of instrumental support—material or service-based aid—were found in this study. Instead, a new category emerged: narrative support. This involves sharing personal stories that detail identity, experiences, and emotions, fostering mutual understanding and empathy.
Narrative support helps empty-nesters make sense of their emotions, explore shared experiences, and create a cycle of continuous, constructive support within the community. Writing about personal experiences, even briefly, has been shown to improve mental and physical health by structuring emotional events and providing a therapeutic outlet [15, 20]. The absence of instrumental support and the prominence of narrative support reflect the deeply emotional and social nature of the empty-nest experience.
These findings highlight the importance of creating tools and platforms that facilitate meaningful connections and self-expression to support individuals during major life transitions.
What this means for design
While r/emptynest provides valuable social support, empty-nesters often express distress over lacking a social support circle and rely on coping methods like pets, students, or grandchildren. Research highlights that during difficult transitions, online platforms can act as "social nets," helping users feel less isolated by fostering new activities and connections [19].
Social networks like Facebook demonstrate the importance of tangible social capital, where publicly selected “friends” form the foundation of support and community [4]. Integrating a friendship system into Reddit could allow users to deepen connections while maintaining anonymity, transforming the platform from an anonymous support space into a tool for building enduring social networks and stronger support systems for empty-nesters.
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